The Gift of Time

When a man tells you that he is surprised by how powerfully attracted to you he is, and you feel the same way, this is exciting because fast, emotional and physical chemistry just doesn’t happen every day. It is rare (but not impossible) for both people to feel the same intensity of attraction at the same time. In my limited experience, this feeling is usually more one-sided (and so, grounds for an impending emotional A-Bomb).

However, this mutual attraction is also a sign (if you’re me) to proceed with caution. My plan with the sexy jalapeno (Bachelor #9) was to ask him for the gift of time – five dates – about a month, so that we can get to know each other better and just spend more time together before we make any decision to move to a new level of exclusivity (which includes physical intimacy). If we count our first date, and the upcoming second date, then that leaves three dates (probably over the next two-three weeks). And, I reasoned, if we are meant to be together (no matter how short or long term), no one we meet in the next three weeks is going to change how we feel about each other. In fact, as of Saturday, I suspected these feelings would intensify over time. We are going out Saturday night – sushi and dancing. This is where I originally intended to lay out my request.

As it turns out, the gift of time has already provided ample opportunity to learn a bit more about the jalapeno through phone conversation and text.

We had a conversation Sunday night that really made me think because he said something that made my heart flutter. His observation was in response to one particularly personal piece of information that I shared with him last Saturday. I told him something about my past – pretty common knowledge to people who know me well, but still one of those unfinished pieces of business in my life that has also shaped who I am and how I handle myself in relationships. I merely mentioned it, acknowledged how it was special and made me a bit different, and the conversation moved on.

But then we were talking on the phone Sunday and he said something that no other man that I’ve been with since my ex-husband has said. Something he saw in me. Like he could see right through my tough exterior to the interior  of my heart, where my deepest concerns reside. He pulled out a deeply buried truth like it was laying on the surface of my face. To say this gave me pause is an understatement. Mind-blowing is how it felt. No one has seen this truth except those who are my closest confidantes, the trusted inner circle, of which he is not one. I told him as much – how surprised I was that he could possibly know my true feelings about this situation, given the surface treatment I gave it in conversation. He gently said that he’s very intuitive and is very good at reading people, expressed support and a willingness to help me finish this business if we continue on into the future.

I don’t let everyone into my heart because I get hurt easily. You wouldn’t know it to see me. My exterior is calm, professional, assertive, confident, tough. My interior is somewhat softer and once I trust someone enough to let them all the way in, I become vulnerable and can be easily wounded. I’m also intensely loyal. For instance, I have never cheated on any man that I’ve ever been with in a relationship. Never. And like most people, I don’t like getting hurt by those I trust. And in this dating game, I’m even more skeptical and distrustful.

So when the jalapeno says over the course of three conversations that he can’t abide lies and cheating, and  seems to need constant reassurance that yes, in fact, I DO like him, this concerns me. He seems bothered a bit by the fact that I don’t think about him constantly (as he seems to be thinking constantly about me – and tells me so in multiple texts each day). Mom says this is the Latin male possessiveness coming through.

On Wednesday this week, we were playfully texting back and forth and I told him I was doing laundry and working online (classes were canceled for the snow). He asked me to send a picture. I said, “oh yes, I look lovely right now, sweat pants, tshirt, hoodie, no makeup, but I am freshly showered lol!”

He wrote back, “that’s what I want, simply you c’mon.”

So I thought, fine. You asked for it. I stood by my wall of windows (so the light fell over my face), looked up at the little camera opening in my phone, and snapped off a quick shot from about his height (he’s either 6’1″ or taller – he’s much taller than me). Sent the shot with this note: “Alright, I hope this doesn’t make you want to cancel our date Saturday lol!”

He wrote back about how beautiful I am, that I have a natural beauty, that I don’t need makeup. He’s very sweet, attentive, and seems entirely sincere. And I think that’s unusual for a man to say something like that if he’s just trying to get you into bed for a quickie. This fellow is putting in time and effort – relationship-level effort (although he does frequently bring up how he respects my need to wait, but that the week is so long and he misses me). He is, as my one friend says, bringing things to the table. And I am impressed. (Or is he just really good at pursuit, knowing the right things to say…how can I trust what I’m hearing?)

We talked again Thursday night and he said two things that raised warning flags. One, he asked if I would go to church with him eventually because his religion is extremely important to him, which I respect, but am not interested in. The quite serious conversation evolved around beliefs and ended with me half-heartedly agreeing to maybe attend now and then, but just for him.  What I didn’t say was that I don’t want to go to a church. I get no pleasure or comfort from being in a church – that’s not my thing and I’m not interested in church or organized religion, no matter how beautiful and charming a man is.

I’m agnostic at best. I also didn’t tell him I belong to a humanist organization whose monthly meetings are on Sunday mornings. And the other Sunday mornings are usually spent in pursuit of my solitary passions: hiking and photography.

Why wasn’t I more clear about this? Why didn’t I tell him these things that are so important to me and so much a part of my life and who I am?

I didn’t tell him because I instinctively felt that he wouldn’t want to see me if he knew the full extent of the truth.

The vibe I get from him is an expectation that I would change to  accommodate what he wants me to do simply because he is so charming, masculine, powerful, and doting (he calls me his queen).

Nobody in my life does this, not even my parents.

I can’t fall in love with a man who won’t respect and care for me AS I AM.

That’s not how to start a relationship.

When I told him honesty and open communication are vital to me, I meant it. But I sense that he won’t respect my lifestyle and choices (including my many gay friends) – that he might even judge me negatively as a result. So I’m feeling a little disappointed that he won’t just respect me as I am and make me comfortable with fully expressing the truth.

In the interest of being open and honest, I told him something and was a little surprised at his reaction. The jalapeno said that he wouldn’t be able to abide having my one close male friend stay on the sofabed in the guest room when he visits, as he has done for years. He admitted that he does tend to be a bit jealous. (I’m not the jealous type.) Now this expectation that my friend wouldn’t stay with me, to me, seemed unreasonable initially. I explained our relationship (it goes back 20 years) and how there is absolutely NOTHING to be worried about (my friend lives with his girlfriend). But the jalapeno won’t tolerate it.

This friend also happens to be my ex-husband. That’s why it’s a problem for jalapeno. (And now I realize this might be a problem for ANY man in my life – something I hadn’t considered before. My friend and I have a very different dynamic with our friendship that the people closest to us understand, but I see now that newcomers might find it odd and uncomfortable.)

I don’t lie – my life is an open book. And I’m not used to that response. So if jalapeno and I get more serious, my friend will need to pay for a hotel when he visits. I said I’d be willing to compromise on this, but I don’t know if I am. I can see how someone who doesn’t know us might wonder, but I also expect to be trusted by anyone that I’m with.

I want to trust. It is my nature to trust and love deeply, with abandon. So this man, this sweet, sexy jalapeno has my attention.

But Saturday night, because we both agree that open and honest communication is very important, I do intend to ask him a very difficult question because I’m worried that our expectations might be incompatible. I’m going to ask him what he expects from a woman in his life. (And I’m a little worried that he expects a woman to make him a centerpiece of her life. . .and that won’t happen with me. I want to share my life with a man, but no man will take over my life.)

And herein lies the reason why it might have been nice to have had sex with the jalapeno before having all of these conversations. Reality is much too real and not filled with passion and chemistry and lust. Bottom line, if I find out we are incompatible in our expectations, then that’s it. And that means no sex. And that would be a damned shame because I bet the sex would be fantastic.

Fortunately, I don’t need sex for the sake of it anymore and damn it, I just want to be respected for who I am – I don’t want anyone trying to change me or control me, no matter how sexy he is.