“That is going to be a problem here”

When I told my mom that I have decided to give the jalapeno a chance because he is terrific and deserves the benefit of my doubt, she lowered her voice on the phone and said, “That is going to be a problem here.”

I instantly knew what she meant and my ire boiled up.

I responded, “Mom, it’s my life. I’m going to date who I want. I’m not going to make dating decisions based on the fact that dad doesn’t like Latinos or black men. That’s tough. When I look at [the jalapeno], I see a beautiful, kind, challenging man who likes me and wants to give this a try. If we get to the point where I want you to meet him, I will bring him home and dad will deal with it. I love dad and he loves me, he’s not going to disown me because I’m dating a Dominican. Besides, [the jalapeno] saw the photo of you and dad, asked to see it, looked at it and said, ‘yeah, he looks intimidating’.”

Mom chuckled a bit and said, “Well I just wanted you to know that it’s going to be a problem, with the neighbors here, too.”

Once again, I reiterated how little I care. In fact, this prejudiced attitude of my dad’s and other narrow-minded people inspires me even more to give the jalapeno a chance. I’ve already prepped him; prejudice and the jalapeno are intimate familiars and his response when I told him my dad was going to be a problem?

“Don’t worry, baby, I can handle your father.”

He’s dealt with this type of prejudice before and even said to me at the bar when we went dancing, “Hang on, baby, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.” And he wasn’t referring to sex. He was referring to the prejudice that we are both going to feel and experience from both sides.

For instance, he talked to his mother last week, who informed him that he needs to “find a nice Dominican girl.” And his friends? Many of them likely won’t care, but other Dominican women in his family and community might not approve either. I told my mother this – that I will be equally ill-received (possibly) from his friends and family – a notion that I’m sure NEVER occurred to her.

As you can see, I’m giving the jalapeno a chance and this weekend was terrific – lots of conversation ranging from silly to serious, incredibly satisfying sex, and plenty of snuggling – right up until this afternoon when I told him I thought he should go home after the Super Bowl instead of staying over. He came over Friday after work (1am, and I usually go to bed by 10:30-11, so I was half-asleep on the sofa waiting for him and we went right to sleep). We were iced in Saturday, so spent the day doing various fun and relaxing activities together inside. He had volunteered to work Sunday morning, so had to get up at 4:30am today, which he did, and I went back to sleep. Then I got up and prepped the rest of the food for my Super Bowl party.

I knew he was coming back because he left his overnight bag and toothbrush, so I asked him to do me a favor and pick up a bag of ice and some lunch for us (since I didn’t have enough substantial food for him). He did and arrived about 1pm, so very tired, but in good spirits. We enjoyed lunch and conversation and then I told him about not staying here tonight.

You’d have thought I was breaking up with him. He did not take it well, saying he’s sacrificed a lot to stay here with me, and that maybe he would just go home when I started the risotto at 4:30 because he’s tired and was expecting to go right to bed after the game. I was surprised by this. Said if we lived together, that would be different, but we don’t, so going to our own places on Sunday night seems a reasonable expectation. I asked if he would stay for half the game and have some food; he balked at this because then he would miss the second half while driving home, etc. Pouting is how I would classify it, but maybe I’m being too harsh?

When I invited him to the party earlier in the week, staying over wasn’t something we had discussed. I also reminded him that I had a few friends coming over and would have a lot of food to clean up, so I wouldn’t be able to go straight to bed after the game anyway. (Plus, there would be no fooling around tonight anyway because I forgot to take my birth control pills for the past two days and guess what started? Yeah, delightful.)

Things got a little weird and oddly tense, but he was so very tired that he started falling asleep sitting on the sofa as we watched some TV. I suggested that he could take a nap if he wanted. He resisted initially and asked for coffee, but I encouraged him to rest instead. He asked me to wake him at 5. I had no idea what he was going to do when he got up.

I was in the middle of stirring the risotto at 5, but I took it off the flame and walked back to the bedroom to gently wake him. Then I returned to my risotto. He came out eventually fully dressed with his coat on and his bag in hand. Came into the kitchen and stood there for a minute, asked how the cooking was going. I said fine, asked him if he’d ever made risotto (he hadn’t), so I said it’s really just a marathon of stirring. He stood there looking at the pots for a bit as I was rushing between the pot and the skillet trying to saute the mushrooms while simultaneously finishing the risotto. then he kissed me gently, said he’d call me later, and left.

Strangest thing. I really have no idea what he’s sacrificing to spend time with me – sleep? I even texted him after the game to ask if he wanted to come over tomorrow night for a leftover dinner because I have a ton of food now. His response?

“Let you know tomorrow when I get out of work. And besides you need to find out about what you want to do before I make it to your house. I hate all these last minute decisions.”

This is the second time he’s told me about not liking last minute plan changes, something that doesn’t bother me one iota.

So I responded, “Honey, the only way today was a ‘last minute decision’ was if you assumed you were staying over. We hadn’t talked about it. So that’s why I told you first chance I had. I feel like you might be assuming things without discussing it with me and then reacting badly when I say something contrary to what you expected. Communication, remember?”

He then reminded me about the sacrifice he made to spend time with me because he had to work Sunday and only got two hours of sleep and could have gone home after work, but decided to come back to see me and watch the Super Bowl, that’s why he was a little mad. He said, “Looks like I have to understand you but you don’t understand my side in the sacrifice thing.”

Now I’m even more confused. All I said was that he should go home after the game. We’ve only been together for two weeks. Tomorrow is Monday and the start of the work week for us both. I don’t think my request was all that unreasonable or unusual. So I asked him to clarify, in case I was missing something.

I texted, “I guess I’m just having a hard time understanding what it is that you’re sacrificing? If you didn’t want to stay Sat. night, I would have understood. Or if you just wanted to go home today, I would have understood. Was it sleep that you sacrificed? I’m just confused.”

His response? “You know what, just don’t worry about it, have a good night, we’ll talk about it when I see you.”

I really don’t get it. We get along so well and even our differences seem surmountable…and then this. To me, he’s overreacting. But I really would like to know all of these sacrifices he’s making in order to see me. And I have no idea what those sacrifices have to do with me saying I want to be alone in my own bed tonight.

I wonder if our differences really are surmountable.