The Noble Beet

When it comes to making and achieving goals, I am second to none (I’m sure my friends would agree). But I dropped the ball this week. I lost sight of my needs and succumbed to the discomfort of the unknown. I took the easy road. I’m sorry to you, dear reader, and to myself for not honoring my needs first. (And would greatly appreciate it if you would call me on it the next time I do this. I’m an imperfect woman. I’m sure to backslide again.)

In my last post, I indicated that I would stop dating other men while I figured out whether there was any future with Bachelor #8. That was a mistake. Not because there is anything outwardly wrong with him. But because that’s not what I need right now. I started this personal project (and blog) because I don’t know men well enough, I don’t have enough experience dating, and I don’t know what I really want in a man or in a relationship. Each new encounter so far this year has taught me something new. And I lost sight of that momentarily. I was blinded by the noble beet.

Bachelor #8, hereafter known as”the noble beet,” and not just because the Russian feast we attended tonight featured a ton of beets, really likes me, is very attentive and complimentary (perhaps a little too much), but respectful of my boundaries, and is a perfectly nice and normal man (with some serious ADD tendencies in conversation). I look forward to talking to him on the phone (except that it’s become a daily thing and I need a break) and I enjoy our time together. He is a mostly delightful companion. Beets are good for you, of humble origins, grounded. No nonsense, but with an unusual flavor and surprisingly adherent color. Touch a sliced raw beet with your bare hands and the stain remains. It sticks. Whether you want it to or not.

By comparison (because I can’t help it), Bachelor #1 was an amazing kisser. The noble beet is merely good. Nothing groundbreaking or firework-y. And I also realize that I said fireworks are just lust and lust fades…but lust should be there initially. It’s fun. And companionship is good, but so is that initial spark. (And honestly, I get that most of the men who want to date me are already physically attracted to me, but can’t I also be physically attracted to them in the same way?) Am I expecting too much? (Mom thinks so)

And so, back to the salad bar I resolutely go. I have contacted all of the men who had asked me out (before I told them I was giving someone else a chance) and merely said, “Things have changed. I’d like to meet you for x (drink, coffee, dinner, whatever) if you’re still interested. Let me know.”

So far, two of them have responded in the positive and a new one from the online dating site has asked me to meet for coffee and now we’re just negotiating a time next week. This is what I need. And more than that, because my mom and one of my best friends said the exact same thing to me in a span of two hours (“Why don’t you just go out with the other men, too?”), I started to more objectively evaluate my time and conversations with the noble beet. And here is what I discovered: all that glitters is not gold. Sometimes it is a dangerous petrochemical-based fertilizer that could hurt you in the end.

To wit, the noble beet said three things to me over the course of this week that did strike a nerve, but that I ignored. (Again, smack me, please. When, oh, when will I learn to see the forest for the damn trees??)

1. “Dating is getting old.” For the beet, this is true. (He’s only been divorced for a little over a year…which seems short to be tired of dating, unless he’s bitter that he’s divorced in the first place…more on that later.) But for me, dating is new and fun and exciting. Yes, and somewhat exhausting. But worth the effort to gain the knowledge I seek. He also said that if I came over to watch TV and fell asleep on him, that would be romantic. Um…no. Only if we were an old married couple. At this stage, I want fun and excitement, not a TV-watching/sleeping partner. Bit of a disconnect there.

2. “I don’t respect them and their decisions.” He has been divorced for a little over a year and I have now determined that he is still a little bitter, angry, and recovering, which he denies. He has said this statement several times in reference to his ex-wife and her current husband. I actually asked him whether he was still angry about her cheating on him (and then she married the guy). He recognized that I was raising a warning flag by asking and explained, explained, explained that no, he’s accepted, he’s forgiven, but he’ll never forget and he’ll never hang out with the guy, but he’s civil with his ex. The vibe is just off. He’s not admitting it, but he’s still angry. I can tell.

3. “I don’t compete.” This one is just patently false because males of a species compete for females; males compete, females choose. Evolution. Basic nature. But the beet doesn’t compete. I’m not about to ask him why or criticize him for thinking this way. Instead, I made a decision to jump back into the salad bar and just start accepting all of those date requests.

Don’t get me wrong, I like the beet. But I’m a jalapeno. And beets and jalapenos don’t really mesh well on the palate. I debated telling him that I’m going to continue seeing other people, but tonight I decided against it. Simply because I don’t owe him or any other man any explanation or secret view into the workings of my heart and mind. It is my prerogative to change my mind and it is my prerogative to do so without announcing it to anyone (except you, of course).

The beet did ask to see me again (in fact, he spends a lot of time trying to make sure I will see him again…and this is starting to get a bit annoying) and I agreed. But then he wanted me to tell him when – I said I didn’t know what I was doing beyond Sunday. That wasn’t a lie. My work just ramped up. I am jam-packed this weekend with fun stuff, including a casual date meet-up on Saturday with the Latino guy (which makes him Bachelor #9, I believe). I haven’t even looked at my calendar for next week, much less next weekend. And because the noble beet has his beetlets on certain nights AND I want him to plan something, I was waiting for him to say, ok, let’s go out Saturday. But he hesitated. Wanted me to make the call. I said I thought Saturday was available, so if he wanted to reserve me for a date, go ahead and ask. He did. And then asked what I wanted to do.

Here’s the problem. I’m more adventurous and knowledgeable about unique and interesting and fun activities to do with other people. He didn’t have any suggestions for what we might do next Saturday and when he said, “awww, maaan,” I said, “It’s your turn. You figure out something for us to do and let me know.”

I get the feeling that I need to take the reins and make all the cool suggestions. But I refuse. I’m holding my ground. We’ll see how he does. But I’m honestly thinking now that if another, more specific, appealing and interesting, offer comes along by Monday, I may well tell the beet we’ll have to postpone.

Once again to the wisdom of mom, who said to me today, “I don’t think he’s good enough for you.”

Nice guys with baggage who try a little too hard deserve a chance. But maybe not with me. At least not exclusively. Pass the croutons and the Russian dressing.

The dark side of online dating

There are some angry, frustrated, and intimidated men out there, ladies. One outdoorsy and well-traveled man I emailed an innocent, casual note saying that he looked like a cool, laid-back guy and that we seem to have quite a bit in common (based on our respective profiles), wrote back the following:

“You can say I am laid back.

I neither care what others think of me nor do I feel it is my right to know their opinions of me. Life is what we make of it. Not what we think will please others.”

This struck me as inherently shitty and reflecting his inability to just accept a pressure-less compliment/observation. Can’t imagine what he would be like in person. Definitely a closed-off, uptight personality and thoroughly unappealing.

Another guy, Mr. Closet Republican, with whom I’ve emailed four times (two emails each direction), ended his last email to me with this gem, “I’m sure that you are a liberal Democrat since you work at (this stereotypically liberal place),” which insults my intelligence, my political beliefs, and my career all at once. I responded thusly to end our correspondence:

“Actually, the fact that I am now liberal (used to be a registered Republican) and a registered Democrat has nothing to do with the fact that I’m in (this field). . . Best of luck in your search, but we clearly do not click.”

Another discovery I’ve recently made is that I want to be with someone who is at least moderate, if not flat-out liberal, in their political beliefs. Just for the sake of peace and a stress-free existence during political seasons or while watching CNN or The Daily Show. Yes, it seems superficial, but politics are deeply emotional and I’m a deeply emotional person. So this superficial detail is, in fact, less superficial than it first appears for me.

Conversely, education IS a superficial detail for me, but evidently not for some men. The fact that I have letters after my name (that cost me a lot of money, time, mental and emotional energy, and a marriage – I earned those letters and am proud of them) apparently intimidates some men. One recent phone conversation ended shortly after the gentleman raised my level of education compared to his not once, not twice, but three times: “I’m so undereducated…well, compared to you and your degrees.” Really??

Really?!

I could care less what a man’s educational background is as long as he is capable of conversing with me on the same level about a broad range of subjects. And experience has taught me that some men are extremely intelligent, astute, wise, diverse, and fun conversationalists without any advanced degree whatsoever. And quite frankly, many people with advanced degrees are pompous windbags who enjoy showing off their vocabulary instead of just talking like normal people. Again, intensely unappealing to me. I appreciate and desire communication…in plain English.

Finally, my date with Bachelor #5, Mr. Maintenance Man, tonight went something like this:

Him: You know a lot about food. (We went to a fancy Thai seafood restaurant and he was wearing jeans and a t-shirt under his casual jacket. He’d never had duck or jasmine rice and I explained about different types of rice and the fattiness of duck.)

Me: I’m a foodie.

Him: (insert nervous laugh and look toward the window, having no idea what to say to me)

Insert conversation about his kids and new grandchild (Bachelor #5 is nine years older than me). Other topics included his former house-flipping, fixing up his newly purchased cape cod house, and his love of deep-sea fishing for blues off the coast of NJ.

Me: Where have you traveled? Any favorite places?

Him: New Jersey. And I don’t fly. I drive everywhere. 9/11 and all.

O-O (faceplant)

And on the topic of dating and relationships?

Me: Sometimes you have to fish around a bit to increase your chances of finding the right one.

Him: Dating is a lot of work and exhausting (he’s fidgeting and outwardly looking quite exasperated). I’m ready to find someone and just settle down and stop playing games.

Frustrated with the game, but unwilling to truly invest and play. No wonder he hasn’t found anyone.

The lessons I’ve learned from these unfortunate encounters with some confused and frustrated men who present on the surface as normal, non-scary guys include the following:

1. Never trust what a profile says. Even well-written profiles can be hiding some seriously deep psychological issues that will be revealed either via email, phone or in person.

2. Don’t take it personally. All of these men could have potentially hurt my sense of self-esteem if it wasn’t already so strong. I know who I am, I know how nice I am, and I will not be dissuaded by the equivalent of a schoolyard bully in an adult’s clothes. Or someone who is just looking for a warm body to fit into his narrow life. But I can imagine that there are women out there who are much more emotionally fragile and psychologically vulnerable to these sorts of negative interactions. So if you happen to be one, take heart and be thankful you didn’t fall for someone who you’d be miserable dating anyway! 😉

3. As my one friend reminded me two weeks ago, a man’s level of education and job have nothing to do with how he treats a woman. Most of the men I wrote about in this post are highly educated (except for high-school level maintenance guy) and have professional-level jobs making over $75,000/year (according to their profiles). So beware of too much flash – it could be hiding some truly nasty or just unpleasant inner bits.

Hopefully, tomorrow’s date with Bachelor #7 will be better. However, I already know (based on two phone conversations) that he is very concerned with money and looks (he asked me if I’m athletic and seemed surprised when I said I used to competitively swim and play softball in high school…my profile doesn’t lie and is an accurate description – any man who wants to date me is going to have to accept that I’m not a size two and never will be). He also talked about his 4400 square foot former home that his ex-wife now possesses and his 59-inch giant screen TV that he suggested we watch together for our first date (not happening).Finally, he is another sport-obsessed man, like Bachelor #1 and I have now realized that I don’t want to be with someone who is totally and utterly obsessed with one sport to the extent that he practices every single day, eats, breathes, and sleeps the sport. That’s just too much and I can’t compete with that…nor do I want to. We are meeting at a local bar to watch the NFL playoff game, which is really what I’m looking forward to. I’m sure this one isn’t going to work out, but I’m in this for the experience until someone really nice and interesting rises up.

And that won’t be Bachelor #6, Mr. Soccer Coach/Fireman, because he ponied up the truth over the phone Thursday morning – his divorce isn’t final. I nixed our coffee meeting scheduled Friday morning as kindly as possible and invited him to call me once it is final and if we both aren’t seeing other people at that point, I’d be happy to meet him. I want a man whose divorce is cleanly finished, not still in limbo. Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!

(However, that someone might be Bachelor #8, who I’m going out with on Sunday. We have talked on the phone about 7 hours total this week, each conversation more enjoyable than the last, and I now know quite a bit about him…and he has texted me “good morning” or some question every day this week to show he’s thinking about me. His pictures reflect a cute, normal, average guy. However, he could be hideous in person or totally playing me, so I abstain from a decision here until I meet him…but it’s certainly feeling promising. I hope my compass on him isn’t as completely off-kilter as it was with Bachelor #1. Also, he’s an Aquarian and from what I read about Aquarian men, they can be a lot of fun, but also very challenging.)

Maybe I should start following astrological advice in picking potential dates. But then, Bachelor #1 was a Scorpio, supposedly one of my most compatible signs…and look how that turned out. So maybe not. The search for the perfect salad topping continues! 🙂

The Starter Course

What do you do when the man you’re dating suddenly doesn’t feel a “spark” for you anymore or isn’t “obsessed” enough to think about you when you aren’t together? (Is obsession truly a realistic goal? I think not.) But he also tells you he’ll “see how he feels” in a few weeks? And this conversation occurs two days before New Year’s Eve when you thought the two of you were going out? Correct response? You close that door and move on. And suggest to him that he not be so kind, generous, passionate, and physically attentive to the next woman because this sort of treatment breeds emotional attachment in women and if he wants to avoid attachment, then he ought to be a cad up front so his intentions are unmistakable. This is the first lesson I’ve learned from dating a man for two months who was initially very much into me for the first month. But lifelong bachelorhood is a strong competitor and I was not equal to the task. Perhaps I used the wrong dressing. Or should have selected spinach instead of the baby spring greens. Or not had sex with him on the second date. Eh. Beets under the bridge.

This blog isn’t about bitching about men (I love men, that’s why I’m doing this!), or lamenting what went wrong, but rather an opportunity to conduct first-person real time research into the dating world for 40-something women who have been married and are now interested in re-entering a dating scenario or relationship with a man, using myself as the primary researcher/guinea pig/test subject. Honestly, this game (and yes, as much as I loathe to admit it, it is very much a game and if I am to succeed, I have to somehow figure out and then play by the rules) is tough enough for younger people, but at 40 and divorced? Holy hell. Talk about unexpected challenges.

For instance, what to wear on the first date to be sexy, but not so sexy that the message sent is “I want sex right now”? When exactly SHOULD you have sex? According to Patty on Millionaire Matchmaker, it’s no sex before monogamy (more on this later). Do you EVER admit your age? If so, when? With Facebook, texting, email, and cell phones, the options for communication are many – what happens when he doesn’t communicate at all? Or too much? Or asks if you’ll send a “sexy picture”? Where on earth do I meet decent men when I don’t go to churches or bars? When does a woman stand her ground, have any expectations, broach a touchy subject, be honest, lie, share, withhold, or feel anything (and then admit it)? Is there such a thing as “good timing” for difficult conversations?

There is so much about dating that I don’t know. I was married for quite awhile and have been pursuing professional goals for the past several years, which has gripped my focus like a salad tong with a bent screw. The reason I had sex with Bachelor #1 (on my salad bar list of male options) so quickly was because I haven’t had sex for six years and I wanted to (and oh my, was it fantastic! Totally worth it. No regrets whatsoever there.).

That’s right. I said six years. And no, I’m not ugly. 😉 I’ve been busy, recovering my best self from the wasteland of divorce, uninterested in diving into the dating pool because it obviously requires time and energy (that I did not have to spare), and my options were extremely and pathetically limited where I was living. Now I’m in a better headspace, a more flexible professional life, and a better geographic location with more single men in my age range (based on my first two options, I’m calling that range 31 – 49) – I’m also ready to meet someone and have a relationship. But that’s as far into the future as I go.

I’ve been married. I know what marriage is – it has walls, a ceiling, and rules that say sacrifice and compromise are prerequisites for entering. Not sure I want to do that again. I’ve lived with a man. Not sure I want to do that again. Just like Bachelor #1, I, too, have lived alone now for many years and giving up a good night’s sleep when he stays over, some of my free time for dates, making adjustments to my schedule to accommodate seeing him – these could be irritations, like the perpetual lack of Russian dressing on any salad bar. However, UNLIKE my Bachelor #1, I am now in an emotionally stable and mature place where these things are enjoyable and amusing, rather than irritating and freedom-reducing (or fear-inducing, even).

What I learned from my initial foray into the serial dating world (and given my goal this year, I can’t call it anything but), even the most wonderful and considerate man will eventually ask you for a booty call and then deny to the ends of the earth that’s not what it was.

But seriously. I do take away some very positive ideas from this first experience that I’m quite grateful to know:

1) I am a desirable, attractive woman capable of getting and holding a man’s attention (at least for a month) and am capable of feeling something positive for a man again.

2) I really like sex and am good at it. And would like more of it. However, I am now satiated from the drought-ending escapades with Bachelor #1 and am willing to try out Patty’s Millionaire Matchmaker rule – no sex before monogamy. However, I don’t have to be “in love” to enjoy great sex, therefore, I declare “monogamy” to simply be a verbal commitment that neither of us is having sex with anyone else. That seems more reasonable, considering I don’t know what I ultimately want yet.

3) When a man stops calling me, I will refrain from texting or calling him. I accept that if he’s no longer interested in me, then I decline investing anymore energy into the relationship so that it becomes dangerously unbalanced. I’m worth more, have a lot to offer, and only want to date a man who likes all of me, is continually interested in me, and thinks about me at least once during the week.

4) If a man wants to be with me, he’s going to have to earn me. That’s not to say I will be cold, aloof, and boring – on the contrary – I’m quite a fun-loving, adventurous, caring person. I’m also quite self-sufficient and think extravagance and pretension are just that, extravagant and pretentious. Forget flowers, expensive dinners, trinkets, and material crap. He must capture my attention and affection by being himself, being honest and kind, and paying attention to me. However, I’m done pursuing in any way, even minor ways, before and during the dating scenario. (As a strong, independent woman, I tend to have a masculine energy and am fearless in asserting myself – this doesn’t fly when dating men. I will not be the angel on the hearth, but I will tamp down my instinct to grab his shoulders, shake him, and say, “what the hell is it that you want from me??!!”)

5) When a man either doesn’t ask me about me or stops asking about me (and my work, passions, hobbies, beliefs, etc.), that means he is no longer interested in the whole me and no longer worth my time and energy. This is certainly a blow to the ego and pride when somebody doesn’t want you anymore, but the salad bar has many options, I enjoy a wide diversity of flavors, and it’s time to explore.

My goal for 2011 is to date as many men as possible in order to learn more about men, dating, and what I’m willing to accept and what I’m not willing to tolerate. But I will do none of the asking, so who knows what the amount of dates may be. I resolve to accept every new request for a date – and to see that man at least once. My experience with men is limited to my ex-husband, two tragically lame first dates in my last state, and four relationships of varying lengths going back to age 17. Therefore, I need more experience. I need to sample the salad bar once and for all before I settle on an entree worthy of me.

Thank you for reading this far. I hope you return to enjoy my salad bar dating adventures as I learn more about men, dating, and myself this year. And if you are a fellow 40-something woman in a similar situation, I hope my experiences and musings help you to know that it’s not you – we’re all in the same radicchio boat, my sister. Our nuts are just different. 😉